Who would have thought that giving your life to Christ, repenting from your sins, and getting married to a good, Christ-following man who aims to be a better husband every day, who prays over you and your children every morning, and who literally bends over backwards for you, could cause the devil so much anguish…
I should have. After all, we live in a fallen world and satan will try anything in his power to destroy all things godly. We have peace in the knowledge that the only place he can thrive is in our minds, so we simply cut off his access and cleanse ourselves with the Blood of the Lamb. We know that we win.
Being told you’re an adulteress hurts, but at the end of the day God reminded me: You Can’t Prosecute a Dead Woman 🕊️
This is me, drawing a permanent boundary line around my family in Jesus’ Name.
Godly Marriage: When the Label Doesn’t Match the Life
Many people (we’ve done it a few times too!) stand at the altar claiming the label of Christian, but the covenant isn’t formed by a title; it is formed by fruit.
Jesus was clear: “By their fruit you will recognize them” (Matthew 7:16). If a marriage produces debauchery, unrepentant sin, chaos, and contempt (the works of the flesh, Galatians 5:19-21), then the root is not Christ. This union is not a holy Yoke; it is a worldly one yoked to dysfunction and it breeds chaos and destruction.
The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy, so if a marriage steals a person’s peace, kills their spirit, and destroys their relationship with God, it is NOT a Godly marriage.
Does divorce and remarriage equate to adultery:
- if a person left a spiritually devoid marriage
- and remained celibate before entering a new, godly marriage?
Let’s see what the Bible says…
What constitutes a Godly marriage.
Theologically, the onus of the Fall rests primarily on Adam’s failure to lead and protect his wife and the garden. God made everything perfect, including male and female roles in marriage.
[Ed: since finding God, my eyes have been opened up to the wonderful design of God, whereas in the past, I believed all the propaganda that was put in my head about self-gratification, me-first, and the nasty entitlement on which darkness thrives. Growth is a GOOD thing!]
In the Genesis 3 account, Adam was present with Eve when the serpent spoke, yet he remained silent, choosing passivity over his assigned duty to guard and govern.
This absence of male leadership created a vacuum, allowing the serpent’s deception to gain ground, leading Eve to sin. Adam then compounded the failure by willingly joining her in disobedience. The instruction for female submission (which finds its pattern in the New Testament) is always contingent upon the man fulfilling his prior instruction of sacrificial, protecting leadership; when the man abdicates his responsibility, the order collapses, costing both partners their original position of grace.
When two people are yoked to chaos, the Covenant is broken by the behavior long before the divorce papers are signed. The marriage becomes a weapon, not a tool for peace, because the man—the appointed spiritual leader—failed to lead himself first.
A worldly marriage collapses under the weight of an ungodly man’s failed leadership, which is often a failure of provision in its deepest form.
The Burden of Headship: God's True Provision
In Scripture, Headship is never about privilege; it is about responsibility—looking out for danger and taking the first hit.
The husband’s Prime Directive is Sacrifice (Ephesians 5:25), which means putting his wife’s needs first: praying for her, being there emotionally, and touching her with love, not just lust on his own terms.
The true theological gravity of this role is found in its consequence:
- Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” (1 Timothy 5:8). Provision is not just money; it is safety, structure, and peace. A man who fails here is not just a bad husband; he is, by definition, an unbeliever.
- The husband’s failure to lead, blocks his access to God. 1 Peter 3:7 warns that if a man dishonors his wife, his prayers are hindered. You cannot silence your wife’s tears and expect God to hear your voice.
- Malachi 2:13-14 states that God ignores the husband’s offering when the altar is covered in his wife’s tears. God keeps record of her anguish.
A woman cannot be the leader, the provider, the protector, and remain a soft wife and mother. A man who forces her to carry the entire emotional, practical, and spiritual weight alone is committing a terrible failure in the eyes of God and women.
The Failure of Self-Leadership: The Altar of Secrecy
A marriage cannot be considered godly if one or both spouses are actively practicing hidden sins. The spiritual nature of the union is compromised not just by major trauma, but by the relentless defilement of secret self-gratification. These behaviors—dishonesty, addiction, and reckless stewardship—are not marital disagreements; they are covenant violations.
The fundamental principle we must stand on is this: You cannot honor God with a lie, and you cannot honor your spouse when you are actively building an Altar of Secrecy.
The Covenant of Integrity
The foundation of the covenant is truth. When one spouse systematically hides financial dealings, addictions, or external relationships, they are committing spiritual divorce first.
The New Testament is clear: “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices” (Colossians 3:9). Lying to your spouse is, literally, putting back on the old self you claim to have crucified.
God explicitly states that a “lying tongue” is among the six—no, seven—things He hates (Proverbs 6:16-19).
When you lie, hide things, or do things behind your spouse’s back, your entire being is contaminated, violating 2 Corinthians 7:1: “Let us cleanse ourselves from everything that contaminates both body and spirit.” A secret debt, a hidden habit, or a business deceit is contamination of the spirit that poisons the shared atmosphere of the home.
The Covenant of Stewardship
The Bible treats money management as a spiritual discipline. When a spouse hides gambling or recklessly manages resources, they are violating the foundational trust and failing the ultimate test of provision (1 Timothy 5:8).
The pursuit of hidden wealth or reckless risk (gambling) stems from the love of money, which is “a root of all kinds of evil” (1 Timothy 6:10). This evil is brought directly into the shared bank account and the marital spirit.
Secret gambling and financial deceit inevitably lead to debt, transforming the borrower into a slave to the lender (Proverbs 22:7). A spiritual leader cannot be a slave to the world’s system while simultaneously claiming to lead the home toward Christ’s freedom. And since spoouses are supposed to become ONE with marriage, dragging your spouse unknowingly into your nefarious dealings is placing them in harm’s way.
By refusing to steward resources responsibly and sacrificing the family’s security for personal appetite, the man “denies the faith” (1 Timothy 5:8). This makes him, by God’s standard, an unbeliever in practice, proving the yoke is uneven.
The Covenant of Self-Control
A godly marriage requires the manifestation of the Fruit of the Spirit, which specifically includes Self-Control (Galatians 5:23). When alcohol dependence or uncontrolled appetites are hidden, they replace the Holy Spirit’s influence with chaos.
“Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise” (Proverbs 20:1). A man addicted to alcohol or an unchecked appetite cannot exercise the wisdom or sacrificial love required of a leader; he is deceived, and his leadership is a mockery.
“And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit,” (Ephesians 5:18). These are presented as opposites. When a spouse chooses the unrepentant indulgence of the flesh, they are actively choosing not to be led by the Spirit, severing the spiritual lifeline of the marriage.
When a marriage is defined by secret sin in these areas—dishonesty, reckless finance, and self-gratification—it is not a partnership pulling toward the Kingdom; it is two people being pulled toward the world by the weight of unrepentant choices.
This ungodly lifestyle proves that the marriage covenant was not founded on Christ’s example, giving the non-offending spouse the clear theological standing: The spiritual reality of the marriage was divorced from God’s law long before the legal paperwork was filed. The yoke was never godly; it was earthly, sensual, and demonic (James 3:15).
This justifies the freedom you found, affirming that your subsequent spiritual resurrection and remarriage is a First Marriage for the New Creation—a true Holy Yoke built on Christ’s integrity.
The husband’s failure to lead—whether through financial neglect, emotional absence, or secret sin—is often demonstrated in these five toxic, normalized behaviors that kill the covenant:
- Lying to Keep the Peace: Saying things are fine while holding contempt, proving a lack of integrity and insecurity.
- Complaining Instead of Owning: Lecturing the wife on her faults rather than addressing his own imperfections. A man who cannot lead himself cannot lead a home.
- Settling for Unhappiness: Choosing to coast instead of setting a right example for the children, teaching them to be lazy and quit.
- Entitlement to Sex: Demanding sex because of a marriage license, instead of creating the environment for her to want intimacy, proving he is only accountable for the unwritten, unspoken vows.
- Keeping Score: Competing with his wife, recording her failures instead of the reasons he loves her. Marriage is partnership, not adversarial warfare.
This kind of failure teaches a woman that her effort is worthless, forcing her to retreat into self-protection.
She stops chasing his affection because he stopped behaving like a man who deserved the love she gave so freely.
For the one who has escaped a broken, worldly union, the Gospel offers total freedom through Spiritual Resurrection.
The Theology of the Funeral: You Cannot Prosecute a Corpse
Genuinely repenting and accepting Christ means the past is entirely obliterated. As Romans 6:4 states, the Old Self—the person bound to that chaotic marriage—is buried with Christ into death. Theologically, the debt was paid at the Cross, and the mistakes and shame of that broken covenant belong to a dead person. You cannot prosecute a corpse.
Through Justification, the individual stands before God as a Righteous Child of God. The Lord removes transgressions as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12), silencing all judgment regarding the past.
The New Creation + The Holy Yoke
Because the Old Self is dead, the New Creation is free (2 Corinthians 5:17). A subsequent marriage to a true believer is not a “second chance”; it is the First Marriage of the New Creation.
A sinner who turns towards God, and allows the Blood of Jesus to wash them clean is a NEW CREATION. You can call it a cop-out, or you can call it GRACE. It’s available to EVERYONE, including you.
In this Holy Yoke, the man leads by the Spirit, providing safety + structure. The woman, released from the constant burden of being the sentinel, is finally free to soften and relax into her God-given role. She becomes the true strength (Ezer), thriving creatively because she is safe.
God doesn’t use superglue to fix the shattered; He melts the glass down and blows a completely new shape. You are not a repaired vessel; you are a new vessel ready for a new, holy covenant, allowing both partners to find se-lah + Restoration.
If you’d like to learn more about God’s power to restore your life, download our free ebook below.
XOXO
Lizette